Now usually I prefer to write in a very structured manner. Those who have read my blogs already know that I have a specific way of writing things down. I usually start by introducing the topic, then cover its aspects under subheadings, and finally conclude. But this blog is different. Don’t consider it as an informative blog or a story, this is more like an outpour of feelings. One of my seniors last year told me that whenever you feel depressed, downtrodden, undervalued, whenever you have anger against people but can’t express it, whenever you feel that you have been deceived, cheated on by someone, unnecessarily targeted for something you have no relation with, etc ……. JUST WRITE ABOUT IT. Write because this what you are best at, this is your domain your world your imagination. It’s as if you are playing in your chimeric world away from this obnoxious and selfish society. Whenever I write I feel free, it’s like I don’t need to prove myself to anyone in this world. Consider a bird with damaged wings, it may have the ability to fly and it may not. In any case, it will be impossible for the bird to fly at its full potential, and whenever it tries to fly in any possible manner there are other birds to judge it. “Ohh man you fly too slow.” , ” Why are flying upside down.” ” Man it will be better if you learn to crawl or something, this is disgraceful for a bird. ” The bird tends to lose any confidence that it had and eventually it stops flying. I am like that bird it’s just that when I write I feel as if all the other birds around me i.e. this abhorrent society has suddenly died. It’s as if all those nasty noises drain out somewhere in a darker part of my heart and I with my wiggly keypad am flying towards the golden light of literature, freely in the open sky of feelings. Ladies and Gentlemen this is not a blog, it’s a testimony. These are feelings of a bird flying in its sky with broken wings. This is my prerogative, an account by Mayank Kumar for Mayank Kumar. So I don’t find any reason to put this up on my status or Facebook page, this is like a personal thingy on a public platform. Anyone genuinely interested in reading someone’s feelings will only read this and that’s fine by me. So for that genuinely interested guy or girl, welcome to my paradise. I am Mayank- A Bird With Broken Wings.
Now I often consider myself lucky because I am surrounded by people who love me a lot. They care for me. And I cherish this. But over the years I have realized something, I don’t know why but some people hate me for no apparent reason. Now I know you will say things like,” Come on man, everybody thinks of himself as a saint, but no one is perfect. So don’t be so childish and accept the fact that some people will like you and some will not. ” And I agree, yes I do, but what about someone whom you have never met or never really talked to. Why should that person hate you? I am a guy who thinks too much about society’s opinion about himself. I am a little bit conscious about this thing. That’s the reason I only speak freely in my closed circles in front of people I know I can trust. I try not to hurt anyone, and that’s just the way I am. I utter limited words, at times gulp insults just to avoid unnecessary altercations, and talk in a language such that the person in front of me is pleased. Because of this many have even accused me on the charge of sucking up to people for personal favors, but it’s just the way I am, I don’t like sucking up to anyone but what I hate even more is someone getting hurt because of me. I am cautious out of line on that matter. That’s the reason many take me for granted.
And so when someone hates me I feel disturbed and it irritates me, even more, when I am not able to figure out the reason behind that hatred. I have succumbed to this since my pre-primary days when people used to beat me up for no apparent reason. Then when in secondary classes I was accused of doing shit that I had never done, I always carried a clean image, I was great at academics, and still….. And now in college, it feels as if I am living those shitty times again. I don’t know what happened I don’t know why it happened.
Now I don’t know why I am saying all of this. Maybe it’s anger, maybe it’s my fit-out of control, anyway it is better than beating someone up for two very specific reasons- one I am not physically strong enough to beat someone up, and two that it is not a solution. I feel writing about it is the only way for me to escape myself, the only way I can liberate my soul.
People look at you from far and say,” Ohhhh man your life is perfect. Everything is great.” They don’t understand the fact that nodding your head at every instance and keeping a smile all day long is not a degree of happiness. I cry, I cry a lot, it’s just that I cry alone – NO SHOULDER, NO SUPPORT. I have my devils and my insecurities. People often don’t get that.
That’s why when someone tries to get back at me for no real reason I feel as if my entire world has come crashing down. I have enough insecurities of my own, I am having a hard time fighting them. Handling more hate just seems impossible. I will not be able to fight it, not anymore.
It seems that a part of me is dying every day. It seems that everything around me is getting darker and darker. I try to talk to people but then something stops me. I don’t know what but I am not able to talk about it. All that I have been able to understand is that you cannot be everyone’s favorite so don’t try.
If you are still reading this then thank you mate, thank you for the patience. For the wonderful people who are always around me as my family, thank you guys I don’t have a life without you. For those who have helped me and showed that there’s still some good left thank you for being the ray of hope. And to those who hate me without knowing me I just want to say, ” Hey, I am not a bad guy mate. Try talking to me once and I promise you that I’ll be a great colleague. ” That’s it, as I said in the this was not a blog but just a downpour. Sorry if anyone’s offended I didn’t mean to do that.
Informative article, exactly what I wanted to find.